19th September 2008 Friday… something happened…
Today, was quite a cheerful day… until at night, after confirming that there wont be badminton for the day, my whole feelings totally changed. It’s not because I cannot play badminton. But I was also quite disappointed cause I cannot go there to release my stress. So, I decided to walk along the dark slope behind the boarding school.
It was quite cooling there, and I felt a little better. Until something happened…
He called me down to talk. I thought for some time if I should still stay downstairs or go up and rest in my room. But eventually, I chose to stay downstairs. I didn’t expect anything bad to happen. But somehow, I felt that something bad will happen tonight. I thought twice and decided to go back up but it was too late… he was already downstairs… so, we sat at the benches…
There was total silence for a moment. I could even hear the sound of the wind blowing.
Suddenly, he started asking me questions. I was speechless and did not choose to answer. I was mute that moment, or should I say that I just couldn’t find the right words to make up an ordinary sentence. I head was totally blank. I was really very scared. (I should not continue illustrating the whole story…) but on this very particular day, I rejected someone, for the 1st time of my life, I rejected a guy. I really felt very guilty and hope that I didn’t break anything… after saying that killer sentence, I quickly ran up to my room. I almost cried… That was really really the FIRST time I ever done that! I can believe that I actually did that… it was really a very very big thing to me…
After cooling myself down, I went downstairs to ask for help from my senior for Chem. Then, he walked pass. He talked to us, very angrily, and told me that he wanted to talk to me. I was really scared that he will hate me. Thank god someone called me and discussed something for quite some time. After that, I quickly ran up to my room without letting him notice.
Once I came up, the ringtone ‘Bleeding Love’ by Leona Lewis start bursting out of my phone speaker. I was very scared to pick up his phone calls so I ignored all of them. But I realized that I did the wrong decisions, ignoring him and ignoring his phone calls. That will just make him hate me more! So I decided to call him and listen to what he has to say.
We speaked for a while and hung up very soon.
Since then, I didn’t really talk to him. I was very scared that he would hate me for making this decision… sincerely, I really don’t know if I have made the right decision… (to be cont…)
Ps. I am really very very sorry. I have tried my best not to hurt anyone but seems that I really must take this road this time. I am very scared that I will hurt my good friends. I am scared that if I did this decision, people will hate me and a will loose a friend. But I think that I really did the right decision. Sorry. Please forgive me… =[
Monday, September 22, 2008
Stress
Why is it that no one believes that I have stress?? It really kills me when I tell someone that I really have stress but that person doesn’t believe and even makes fun or insult me saying that I have some other kind of stress??? I just don’t understand!!!
I really hate it when I am telling the truth and nobody believes that it is true! Like that day, I said that I really have no time to do the compo which is not compulsory. I said that I have lots of subjects to study and cope with and that person doesn’t believe at all! It is just that I think in this situation, I need to pull up all my other subjects and keep them on track. Just that I think at this time, I need to really study hard for subjects that t needs to be memorized and put down languages first. To me, languages cannot be studied last minute. At this time, when EOY is end of this week, the only way to cope in my languages is to read passages and NOT only writing!
What’s the use of only writing? You need to read and learn new vocabs from other people’s writing and gather ideas from other passages, not just write and only knowing what you have already know. The reason why I don’t wanna write is because I think it’s a waste of time! When you write, you need time to think for a stupid idea just to write a stupid essay. I would rather sit down, and read passages and learn more things from others’ writing! Can’t anybody just understand the reason why I don’t wanna write??
Is it that I want to follow my point of view, my attitude is bad? Is it that I don’t feel like talking in class, my attitude is bad?? Is it that I want to follow my own schedule and study, my attitude is bad??? Is it that I want to focus on other subjects that I am weaker in, my attitude is bad???? Is it that making my own decision, my attitude is bad?????
I just don’t understand! Can’t you just give me some space to do what I think is right? Can’t I learn to be more independent and make my own decision?? I must learn how to do things myself now. Especially when the EOY is coming. I cannot just focus on 1 stupid subject which I don’t like. It will just worsen it and make I would probably be the last position! I might even be kicked out of scholarship!
I really want to make my own decision. When I say I want to do it, I will do it. When I say I can do it, I will try my best to achieve it. I know I don’t look like I like to study, neither do I look like a genius. To you , I’m probably a person that don’t care about studies and only want to go for shopping or games or what so ever. But I believe in myself that I can do it. I will try my very best to really achieve my promise to Ms Yap – the lowest position I will go is 100. But I want to change my mind. Not change it to 150 but change my goal to 80 or 50. And I am serious with this. Please don’t look down on me… -_-
I really hate it when I am telling the truth and nobody believes that it is true! Like that day, I said that I really have no time to do the compo which is not compulsory. I said that I have lots of subjects to study and cope with and that person doesn’t believe at all! It is just that I think in this situation, I need to pull up all my other subjects and keep them on track. Just that I think at this time, I need to really study hard for subjects that t needs to be memorized and put down languages first. To me, languages cannot be studied last minute. At this time, when EOY is end of this week, the only way to cope in my languages is to read passages and NOT only writing!
What’s the use of only writing? You need to read and learn new vocabs from other people’s writing and gather ideas from other passages, not just write and only knowing what you have already know. The reason why I don’t wanna write is because I think it’s a waste of time! When you write, you need time to think for a stupid idea just to write a stupid essay. I would rather sit down, and read passages and learn more things from others’ writing! Can’t anybody just understand the reason why I don’t wanna write??
Is it that I want to follow my point of view, my attitude is bad? Is it that I don’t feel like talking in class, my attitude is bad?? Is it that I want to follow my own schedule and study, my attitude is bad??? Is it that I want to focus on other subjects that I am weaker in, my attitude is bad???? Is it that making my own decision, my attitude is bad?????
I just don’t understand! Can’t you just give me some space to do what I think is right? Can’t I learn to be more independent and make my own decision?? I must learn how to do things myself now. Especially when the EOY is coming. I cannot just focus on 1 stupid subject which I don’t like. It will just worsen it and make I would probably be the last position! I might even be kicked out of scholarship!
I really want to make my own decision. When I say I want to do it, I will do it. When I say I can do it, I will try my best to achieve it. I know I don’t look like I like to study, neither do I look like a genius. To you , I’m probably a person that don’t care about studies and only want to go for shopping or games or what so ever. But I believe in myself that I can do it. I will try my very best to really achieve my promise to Ms Yap – the lowest position I will go is 100. But I want to change my mind. Not change it to 150 but change my goal to 80 or 50. And I am serious with this. Please don’t look down on me… -_-
EOY!!!!!!
OMG!!!!! EOY is coming soon!!! Just next week!!! Every1!! Panic!! XD
Sry… kind of crazed these few days… I have been laughing like siao for the last few days… XP
EOY! The most scary event throughout the entire year…
I can’t believe that I actually studied myself, automatically! If I had not mistaken, it was my first time doing it automatically… next week… next Friday… first day of exam. I am already feeling very nervous now. This will be my first time taking such a major exam in secondary school… I am very scared now… scared that I won’t be able to finish studying the subjects by the day before the exam of the subject.
Cause 1: not able to finish studying the subjects, have not prepared properly for the subject
Effect 1: too nervous, not confident, don’t know how to answer some questions.
Cause 2: could not answer some questions.
Effect 2: cannot finish answering the paper.
Cause 3: cannot finish answering the paper
Effect 3: get scolding by everyone, low marks for SA2
Cause 4: Low marks for SA2
Effect 4: Low position for SA2
Cause 5: Low position for SA2
Effect 5: disappointed, other people will look down on me.
Cannot continue writing already… XP
(think I will pass history, cause & effect questions… XP) lame~
Not funny… -_-
Sry… kind of crazed these few days… I have been laughing like siao for the last few days… XP
EOY! The most scary event throughout the entire year…
I can’t believe that I actually studied myself, automatically! If I had not mistaken, it was my first time doing it automatically… next week… next Friday… first day of exam. I am already feeling very nervous now. This will be my first time taking such a major exam in secondary school… I am very scared now… scared that I won’t be able to finish studying the subjects by the day before the exam of the subject.
Cause 1: not able to finish studying the subjects, have not prepared properly for the subject
Effect 1: too nervous, not confident, don’t know how to answer some questions.
Cause 2: could not answer some questions.
Effect 2: cannot finish answering the paper.
Cause 3: cannot finish answering the paper
Effect 3: get scolding by everyone, low marks for SA2
Cause 4: Low marks for SA2
Effect 4: Low position for SA2
Cause 5: Low position for SA2
Effect 5: disappointed, other people will look down on me.
Cannot continue writing already… XP
(think I will pass history, cause & effect questions… XP) lame~
Not funny… -_-
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
...untitled...
I just hoped that everyone can understand me… I am really trapped in this deep hole now, lost… I don’t know what to do… I don’t know which way to go. I don’t know what is the right choice. I just hope that somebody can lead me to the right way…
Everything is so crazy… so complicated… I can’t even control what I will be doing next. Tears can just burst out anytime it wants to, without a single reason…
It’s not that I don’t want to make a decision… but it is because it is very difficult for me to do so… I’m scared that I will make the wrong decision again like in the past… I must really make sure a few things… and these things aren’t that easy. It will pass through many processes. The one that I’m most worried & scared of is…PAIN…
I like X but Y likes me. I don’t know if I should choose a) ‘don’t care about Y and continue caring about X which ignores me quite often’ or b) ‘let go X and go with Y’ or c) ‘continue caring about X and try out with Y’ or d) ‘let go both and try out with…well, maybe Z?’ which is quite impossible… as it will really hurt a lot… not only to me, but everyone involved… This is even more complicated and difficult than doing algebra!! why the heck is life so damn complicated??!! PLZ HELP ME!!
(Cried lyk hell again…) September 9, 2008 11.45pm
Everything is so crazy… so complicated… I can’t even control what I will be doing next. Tears can just burst out anytime it wants to, without a single reason…
It’s not that I don’t want to make a decision… but it is because it is very difficult for me to do so… I’m scared that I will make the wrong decision again like in the past… I must really make sure a few things… and these things aren’t that easy. It will pass through many processes. The one that I’m most worried & scared of is…PAIN…
I like X but Y likes me. I don’t know if I should choose a) ‘don’t care about Y and continue caring about X which ignores me quite often’ or b) ‘let go X and go with Y’ or c) ‘continue caring about X and try out with Y’ or d) ‘let go both and try out with…well, maybe Z?’ which is quite impossible… as it will really hurt a lot… not only to me, but everyone involved… This is even more complicated and difficult than doing algebra!! why the heck is life so damn complicated??!! PLZ HELP ME!!
(Cried lyk hell again…) September 9, 2008 11.45pm
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